lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
there are certain animals i love. there’s something about these animals that appeals to me. if i were to have to return as an animal (hopefully i won’t return as a cockroach for all the parking spaces i’ve stolen from little old ladies), it’d better be one of these guys:
i could be a wombat. see the resemblance? i’d be incredibly rare, one of the rarest animals in the world. i’d be a nocturnal grazer, mainly because i’m lazy about fighting other animals for food and i really don’t think tans complement my complexion. i’d spend a lot of time fanatically rearranging my burrows, creating an intricately complex system of interlocking tunnels and decorating it just so. i’d only have one baby at a time, not a whole herd of them. it’d be nice to be a wombat.
or, maybe a llama! because, you know, baby llamas are the the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. they like to kiss – only when it’s llamas, it’s called a whiffle… it’s sort of like having someone blow a puff of air on your face. once you’ve been whiffled, there’s no going back. i could live in the andes, maybe be a pack-llama for some adorable mayan boy. i could spend my time being adored and petted by humans. llamas’ way of asserting dominance over one another is to spit at each other. hell, this skill could come in handy right now. plus, when llamas are happy, they hum. i do too. usually i hum ‘fascinating rhythm’ or ‘when i’m 64′. i wonder what they hum…
i actually have sort of a fascination with long-necked animals.. maybe i want to go whole hog (*grunt*) and be a giraffe in my next life. i mean, look at these guys. look how they drink. look at them as babies. they’ve even got little bird friends. aren’t they cute as hell? yeah. i’d definitely want to be a giraffe.
but really, in the end – i’d probably pick the good old sloth. you know those treacherous dogmatic catholics gave this noble creature a really bad rep, what with the whole cardinal sin and all. i mean, could this face ever commit a sin? look at those guys! don’t you want to take one home, wrap him around a tree, and watch him spend six months crossing the yard? i mean, see? aren’t you the least bit jealous of the sloth? here’s a creature that can’t even walk on the ground very well, but he’s one of the most powerful swimmers in the world. this variety, the maned three-toed sloth, lives in the amazon rainforest, in bahia, brasil. his swamp lands, for several months a year, are completely flooded – and the trees become an underwater forest. that’s gotta make life kind of hard for the tree-dwelling sloth. does the sloth relocate to, say, someplace like san francisco, where he’s just another long-haired freak in the castro? hell, no, my friend. the sloth simply swims around his home for months on end, taking sometimes a whole day to cross the river. that’s the kind of relaxed yet dogged man i’m talking about. perseverence, not laziness.
plus, he’s got that wicked cute face.
yep. if i had to be an animal, i’d definitely be a sloth.

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