an exercise in imaginative futility.
20 useless, impossible, or completely facetious resolutions for 2003:
1. i will lose 15 pounds by adhering strictly to a diet of celery and crab juice.
2. i will collapse from malnutrition.
3. i will then lose 15 pounds on a more sensible plan of diet and exercise.
4. i will write an entire novel from the perspective of a broken 60 watt lightbulb.
5. i will fall in love with the right guy.
6. barring that, i will have flippant casual sex with many anonymous partners.
7. or, i will dabble in the cult of sappho*.
8. i will go to bed early, wake up early, and eat healthy.
9. but secretly, i will go mad.
10. i will apply to law school.
11. i will wear more red lipstick.
12. i will get a pet. i will love it. this will alleviate momentarily the resounding chimes of my biological clock.
13. i will become known as a femme fatale. mainly by killing people.
14. or just batting my eyelashes murderously at them, causing them to drop dead from unknown causes.
15. i will be given a sack of money by a complete stranger one day.
16. i will watch less television. especially friends. friends is evil.
17. i will take better care of my CDs. i.e., not using them as coasters for my beer.
18. i will finishing knitting this goddamned scarf.
19. never mind the casual sex, i will find the right guy if i have to buy him.
20. i will make a comprehensive list of all those little things i always say i’m going to do. like, go to the whitney, or ride the roosevelt island cable car, or explore the north end of central park, or buy dinner for a total stranger, or learn to paint, or organize my bookshelves. and this year will do them. one a week. until i’m done.
what are your useless, impossible, or facetious new years resolutions?
*cult of sappho: lesbians, you ignoramus.