regular blogging will resume shortly. until then, yet another list.
ten things about my best friend’s wedding
10. weddings are like giving birth. there’s a lot of pushing and screaming and general mayhem, and at some point in the proceedings everyone says, “why god why”, but as soon as it comes together – it’s bliss.
9. the father of the bride. who gave me a big hug when i was crying, because he knew exactly why, and told me it didn’t matter where i got married, that he’d be there.
8. how to be the auxillary bridesmaids, or as erin put it – the “bridesmaids’maids”: smoke cigarettes with mercy and mahan* and keep them from crying every twenty minutes. run out at the last minute to find “big-ass safety pins”.
7. doing the trinity’s work: the heart and mind standing up in front of 400 people to read passages on love for the soul’s wedding. we love you, raych.
6. smoking cigarettes with chuckles and zacha**, two of my favorite little brothers, in the JCC parking lot, wearing zacha’s tuxedo jacket, and then getting scolded by erin for “contributing to the delinquency of minors” (i think she was just jealous) was my bad-girl highlight of the reception.
5. the reception: losing my voice to a combination of cigarettes, hysteria, and loud music.
4. hearing mahan’s hilarious renditions of her hysterical persian mother: “you are like hitler!”
3. two words: ass village.
2. erin’s catch-phrase for the weekend: “where’s my lighter?”
1. watching raychul and matt dance their first song, speaking their secret language of happily-marrieds, clutching chuckles’ arm and crying, hoping that one day i’ll really know what it means to love someone that much. no matter what my wedding is like.
* mercy and mahan – two of the sweetest, funniest, prettiest girls known to man. and also, raychul’s bridesmaids.
** chuckles: kick-ass little brother of the bride. smoove operator. general bad boy. when not operating under the moniker chuckles, he’s known as matt. but when raychul decided to marry a matt, it all got confusing.
zacha: mercy’s little brother and the ying to chuckles’ yang. total lady-killer.
if i had a million dollars…
…i’d buy you all a round. short of that, a list for you:
three girls i want to get drunk on fruity cocktails with while hitting on all the bartenders: sarah b., fish, and babs.
my favorite gay hugh hefner: fulminous.
boys that are actually absurdly good-looking in real-life [trust me, i know.]: matthieu and seastreet.
girl i totally want to get drunk over mexican food and make fun of ex-boyfriends with: anna.
guys i totally want to have weekly sunday barbeques with: greg and chuckles.
real-life guy pals who absolutely rock my face: christopher and lucifer.
guys i want to go to concerts with, and then get drunk and beat at board games: jason royal and jack saturn.
women i want to be: heather, claire and dooce.
man i’d totally have monkey-babies with: monkey, of course.
guys i’d totally make out with: wait, i’m not telling you that.
and now, for something completely different:
i’m going to texas this weekend and you’re not [unless you live there]. so, another list:
top ten reasons that my weekend will rock the pants off your weekend:
1. house of pies. [if you don't understand, you never will].
2. slamming back coffee, scarfing down pie, and chain-smoking cigarettes at house of pies.
3. spending time with 3 of my 10 favorite people in the universe: erin, raychul, and matthieu.
4. raychul’s wedding.
5. austin: magnolia’s queso, driving down quadalupe making fun of frat girls, three dollar packs of smokes, drag rats, coffee at metro, taco cabana at three a.m., erin’s jetta, stop’n'shop fountain drinks, buffalo exchange, and reuniting with the unholy trinity for the last time as three single girls.
6. two words for those in the know: lupe’s tortillas.
7. houston highway driving.
8. erin’s mom.
9. warm[er] weather.
and ….
10. leaving new york city to fend for itself for a while.
see ya’ll on monday, folks.
he’s going to rock all your faces. at the same time, yo.
go to cendre. see his new beta version. look at his photographs. tell him to tell his model how beautiful she is. tell him he’s all that.
matthieu rocks my face.
matthieu rocks my face.
matthieu rocks my face.
penance, ya’ll.
i’m all for bizarro world but this is ridiculous.
when the most popular rap artist is white and the most successful golfer is black? i say kudos to sending the world topsy-turvy. revolution, kiddies.
but when the G.O.P. decides to hold it’s convention in new york city? in gotham? land of the democrats? land of the huddled, the weary, the poor? the free, the brave, and the straight-down-the-ticket democrat upper-west-side liberal elites?
hey, i’m not that old, and i remember new york city hosting the 1992 democratic convention.
what has the world come to?
that’s it. moving to canada.
the best reality show. ever.
here it is, guys. the show that’ll make bachelor look like a romp in the park:
premise: a girl and a guy like each other, but aren’t sure if they’re right for each other. what do they do?
hook: they ask their friends for advice. no, literally. ten of their friends have a series of round-table discussions, ultimately using binding arbitration to decide for the couple their fate.
buzzy catch phrase said in deep voice by commercial dude: “Find out what happens when your friends take “friendly advice” to it’s limits. Jury of your Peers. Coming soon.”
I am going to make a ton of money selling this to fox. oh yes.
let’s take a trip together.
well, well. isn’t it nice when the world pretends it’s giving you something for free? like, say, airline miles?
after my heady jaunt to sunny rio de janeiro, brasil, in march, i will have a whopping 25 thousand miles under my belt … enough for a US ticket.
sell your city to me. make me want to come visit*. make sure there are plenty of monkeys to be seen, and strawberry ice cream to be had, or possibly even horses to be ridden across wide open plains.
* offer excludes boston, DC, or ugly places like ithaca. peeps, i can get there by train.
