mommy, uncle sam is rambling about terrorism again …
listen, i’m a smart cookie, and i’m getting a little confused. does any of this sound contradictory?
the government tells me that bin laden just linked himself to iraq.
but
bin laden has, in the past, flogged saddam hussein and his tyrannical hold on iraq, and called him an “infidel”.
the government released this tape, hook line and sinker, to “Fox News”, otherwise known as GOPTV. Fox aired every last minute of bin laden’s purported audio tape.
but
condi rice, in the past, has been incredibly wary about airing bin laden’s “messages” for fear that they will contain coded messages that alert “sleeper cells” to “upcoming activity”.
the government tells me that there might be a new “attack”, possibly in new york, anything from “chemical” or “biological” warfare deployed during my day tomorrow. the government tells me it might be a good idea to “tape up my windows” or “stock up on a few days’ worth of food”.
but
tom ridge, our new director of homeland security, tells me to “go about my business”.
what am i supposed to take away from this? bin laden believes iraq is evil. now bin laden is giving us motive to fight iraq. we don’t support bin laden’s terrorist messages, thus we don’t broadcast them. that is, unless they further our cause. at which point – here’s the tape, go to town. we believe in maintaining a free, open society, and yet every time i turn on the news in new york, i’m getting yet another vague, rambling and entirely unhelpful message from the government i’m supposed to rely upon. they’re not helping me, they’re just covering their asses.
i’m sick and tired of the new york times. i’m sick and tired of george bush never saying the right thing when his role in this world is so goddamned vital. i’m sick and tired of the israelis and palestinians stuck in a vicious cycle of distrust and destruction. i’m sick of watching the dismantling global coalition, which has held the keys to peace in the past fifty years. i’m sick of france. i’m sick of totalitarian arab states, blessed with resources, and yet not working towards progressive modernity for their people. i’m sick of the world treating the middle east like a giant, illiterate gas station, and then reeling from the repurcussions of ignoring such a volatile, influx area of the world. i’m sick and tired of knowing world war three is coming, and feeling like we’re moving ass-backwards when it comes to stopping it. i’m sick and tired of this.
listen, government. there’s a war out there. but uncle sam, you’re not going to do it by sitting at the head of the table, talking out of both sides of your mouth, slurring your words, and randomly pulling aside family members to share different, vital, yet entirely vague pieces of information. you’ve got to get your ass in gear.
you’ve got to start lining up your ducks, uncle sam. you’ve got to start talking, because when the talking stops, the bombing starts. you’ve got to talk to moderate leaders in the middle east, people that are tired of seeing their countries torn between religious intolerance and oligarchical tyranny. you’ve got to work with your allied nations, because you don’t want to be the destructors, and taking iraq apart is going to be a piece of cake – but putting it together again so that it gives birth to progression, modernity, and pluralism, and democracy – that’s a global task. you’ve got to stop solely berating arafat and start talking to our friends in israel about what they can do to work towards a two-state solution.
you’ve got to have vision, uncle sam, unless you really want to start seeing all those “orange” level terrorist attacks you’re constantly warning me about. you can stand up right now, and be the best global citizen you can be. you can encourage americans to start conserving energy. you can encourage moderate arab leaders to stop being your secret friend, and tell their people who the real bad guys are. you can stop shaking hands with two-faced moneybags like saudi and start looking and iran, and become a part of the solution there. you need to pay attention, uncle sam.
so throw some cold water on your face, have a cup of coffee, and get to work.
and here’s my end of the deal – i’m coming to work tomorrow. in midtown manhattan. without a gas mask. and maybe, just to make you laugh, i’ll wear orange.