i’ve got my mouth full of cookie-dough, but here’s a distraction
i’m having a hard time thinking of things to say to you guys. if i had it in me, i would tell you to pull up a chair, offer you a cup of tea, and tell you all about what’s going on lately. but right now i’m too wrapped up in the living of my life, in the biting-off-more-than-i-can-chew parts, so any explanation of what’s been occupying my brain, well, i’d have to stop chewing, wouldn’t i? i could clear my throat and tell you how terrified i am of the lsats, how i’m afraid i won’t get into nyu law and i’ll have to kiss these beloved streets – faces – moments – life goodbye, and go somewhere else. how very much the idea of not being in new york for the next four years, with the people i crave sharing life with, how very much this idea makes me weep.
i could tell you about my heart, and how it feels ready to burst with happiness these days, pushing my typical doubts and fears into a neglected corner. i could tell you how amazing it feels to have blood rushing through that organ again, to finally trust it to do its job right. i could talk about love, and how it means that someone is in your brain as well as your heart, and how effing cool that is. i could tell you that for the first time in my whole, carefully planned life, i really don’t give a shit if i’m right or wrong, but only that i totally love the ride.
i could talk about my family, and tell you how i worry about my father, i worry about his will to hold on, i worry about how he’s lonely, i worry about how my mother is tired, i worry about my brother letting life pass him by sometimes.
i could talk about my job, and how stifling it feels, and the weight my feet suddenly gain when they trudge closer and closer to this office. about how every morning i have to remind myself it’s just another year, c’mon, krissa, you can do this. i could complain to you that this isn’t what i was meant to do, that i know in my bursting soul that i’m capable of so much more.
i truly love you guys. but i don’t want to pour my heart out like this. so instead, i’m going to tell you to do something. go to shiverydelicious, and listen to those two songs. not just because they’re beautiful. but also because it’s nice to hear someone put it into words. so that i don’t have to explain it.