charm and love
unless you are a barbie or ken doll – anatomically outrageous and completely lacking in the reproductive bits – you’re familiar with the concept of romantic love. and while a lot of people use the word “charm” in relation to romantic love, what we all secretly know is:
love is a muddy horrible war zone filled with limping casualties, dangerous and completely unmarked landmines, constantly shifting enemies, and at the end of the day you’re lucky to be leaning back-to-back with one of your fellow soldiers, exhausted and scarred, passing back and forth a flask and talking about your childhoods.
however, all that unadulterated bollocks about love being fulfilling and spiritual has a point, because we all keep coming back from more like violent alcoholics, slurring our speech and demanding our fix. we come back time and again, even if its with the wrong person, at the wrong time, at the wrong place. that battlefield of love provides us with something we desperately need and want above all other things.
and much like sticking a daisy in the barrel of a gun aimed at your face didn’t much help that you had a gun aimed at your face, charm and grace can somehow make the agony of love prettier, lighter, more likely to cause good memories. and hey, maybe sometimes a daisy can stop a war, eh?
with that in mind, we’re going to take a trip through three stages of falling in love, point out the pitfalls and landmines, and show you how charm can help win a few scuffles here and there.
stage one: first date
atmosphere: nervous, exciting. he’s taking her to a restaurant, she’s wearing her lacy undies. these lacy undies will be an ongoing theme – keep an eye on them. not like that, you’re in class, behave.
pitfalls and landmines: you don’t know each other at all, essentially, and every word or phrase or joke you make is subject to about seven hundred thousand interpretations, all by the woman. and ladies, men simply don’t understand subtlety, so you think you’re showing him how gaga you are for him and he thinks you simply fancied a good meal and plan on mocking him later to your friends. two major pitfalls – how do we avoid them?
ladies: the key to being charming on the first date is really just be yourself. remember those guy friends you have that you can always flirt with and link your arm through without thinking twice? okay, be like that. because that’s really you at your flirty best. remember – there is barely any gesture too overt, short of taking your top off at the table and slathering your breasts with olive oil. men are dolts – show them you like them by actually flirting. radical, n’est ce pas? we usually do well on the date, so I will reserve most of the practical advice for the men.
gents: look, we know you’re a little nervous. try not to fidget, also, we know that you’re all essentially sweet creatures and you try and run around on the first date doing all the chivalrous things. don’t. it makes us feel like we’re being encircled by a pack of anxious chihuahuas. if you get to the door first, lovely, hold it open. if not, please don’t push a lady into oncoming traffic to hold the door/pull our chairs/get our coats/hail the cab. and when it comes to the check, if she says more than once that she insists on splitting it, FOR GOD’S SAKE let us pay for ourselves. most importantly – actually listen to her instead of fidgeting, opening doors, and fighting to pay the bill.
stage two: dating
atmosphere: ever seen two animals circling each other in the forest, unsure of their relation to each other? it’s kind of like that, yeah. status of the lacy undies – lads, you shouldn’t be seeing the grannypanties at this point, she should still be trotting out her skimpy marvels. and women, he should still be making a relative effort to tidy up when you come over.
landmines and pitfalls: this is the time you will look back at with longing and nostalgia once you’re firmly entrenched in the relationship, although all you can think is how confusing and unclear it all is. the point is, this phase is quite fun when done right. some of the dangerous areas are: communication, meeting-of-the-friends, and sex.
communication: here’s the thing with dating – it’s violently unclear who calls whom, for what, and when. I’ve often bemoaned that there should just be a guidebook for this, because women end up fretting over whether or not THEY should call, email, or text and men end up having no idea when they should call or when they’ve called too much or what they said wrong and before you know it, it’s all gone to shit. so. the way to make sure this landmine is as charming as possible is – DROP THE RULES. if you’d like to see someone, call them. make it clear that you’re not simply calling for sex, like saying, “hello, I’d really like to see you, are you busy _____?” this is well-done and to the point. after half a dozen or so dates and/or you’ve slept together, it’s cute to slip in a little something sexy about the other person, to show them you’ve been thinking about them naked. yes, it’s bold. and yes, it always works. but the main point with communication is you spend more time fretting about what’s appropriate, when really, the other person es loco para ti, so just call them whenever and they’ll probably just get hot thinking about seeing you next. and that’s charming.
meeting-of-the-friends: my, this one is dangerous. women think men compartmentalize too much and keep us as their “dirty secret”, and men are completely freaked out because they know women keep few secrets from their girlfriends. the charmed way to handle this snake-in-a-basket is… get the friend thing out of the way early. the more it builds, the more nervous both parties are going to be. I’d say a month or so into dating at the very latest. pick a neutral kind of meeting, for instance, or if you have an enormous group of friends, try and filter it down, introduce him/her to some of the key members before you thrust him/her before a council of twenty five of your topshelf mates. also, especially if you’re very tight with your friends, avoid dragging your new love to every single friend-event, because while it’s great for you to have your mate along with your friends, it might actually be rather nerve-wracking for him/her. and if you’re the one meeting the friends – it’s sort of like being in the grip of a boa constrictor. just relax, don’t tense up, and maybe you’ll slither out intact. they will absolutely be sizing you up, make no mistake about it. if you can all just accept this and get to know each other, you’ll probably even like them – hell, you like your date, right? but if you tense up and wig out and act insecure and try and impress, her/his friends will see right through it and dislike you forever. no pressure, kids.
as for the secrets thing, lads – there’s simply nothing you can do but be charming and acknowledge that women tell their women friends everything. I suggest, to avoid conflict, that when you’re confiding in your ladyfriend something that really is quite personal, explicitly suggest she not tell ___ and ____, because otherwise, honestly, she will.
sex: sex while dating can be awkward even while its thrilling. you’re not really doing it often enough to really get into a rhythm, but you’re quite excited and eager. the other pitfall is that people are trying to impress each other, so they fall back on sex moves that worked with other people. sounds terrible, but it’s true. the most charming thing you can do in bed is be creative and original. forget everything you’ve done before – look at your new lover like an empty canvas. explore their body, find out which little bits work for whom and which should be avoided. this will make you far more memorable in the eyes of your new lover than simply switching on the “sex moves I know!” button and trying to fiddlingly align his/her machinery to yours. sex will get better – but then much later it’ll get worse.
stage three: the transition from dating to relationship
atmosphere: charged, wildly oscillating mood swings, but comfort and attraction combined. note, lads, she’s still dragging out the lacy undies for you, but not quite as often. girls, you’ve seen what his roommates are really like.
pitfalls and landmines: oh dear god everything. this is honestly, the most traumatizing and difficult because the notes played are starting to get serious. women and men choose to commit very differently. often, in this stage, the woman is thrilled with the level of closeness and comfort she’s attained with you and wants to move closer, spend more time together, and exchange ‘i love you’s. men, often, are very happy staying crazy about you but the word love and time make them balk like untrained foals, mostly because they have some cockamamie notion that you’re going to tie them to the bed and register them in your name forever. essentially, this transition is the gnashing rocks of a cliffside for a boat – they can be avoided, but they’re deadly if you hit them at the wrong angle. frank, honest advice, and there’s only two pieces of it:
talk, talk, talk: people often call this the three-six month mark crisis. it may seem incongruent and ridiculous, because for three months prior its been nothig but sex and fun, and now all of a sudden it’s talky talky talky. but no matter how distasteful it may seem to say, “yar, i didn’t like the way you did this,” or “i’m sorry, what i need from this is _____”, but because you’re not used to it, it feels hard and unnatural and scary. or else you’re trying to stall the relationship at permanent dating, and that’s just not realistic. a few ways to be a charming discusser – always bring up a problem in a safe, non-threatening location. in front of a bar, on the way to a friend’s house, and on the subway are all unacceptable, as is drunk or post-sex. another thing – don’t use namby-pamby passive-agressive language. ever. say: this is the way things are, this is how i feel, how do you think?
listen, listen, listen: there’s nothing less charming in the world than someone that’s already made up their mind about you. this is the point in the relationship when you start to recognize someone else’s flaws, weaknesses, and your own distaste for those things. so instead of resigning yourself to resentment over these things (which causes wrinkles which are distinctly uncharming) always remember to listen to him/her the way you did when you were gaga and gooey-eyed over them. ask them questions about what they’re thinking, and then remember what they’re not saying, as well – that they’ve made it this far with you, they obviously care about you even though the sexy undies are starting to slip and you’ve already cried on their shoulder. insecurities and demons will try and tell you that everything’s going badly, bail now, cry now, doubt now. don’t listen to them. listen to how much you like your mate, and how the best parts of you – the most charming parts of yourself – have been luminated by their smiles.
most important in this phase is that: remember to be the best person you can be, remember to keep putting that same charming dainty best foot forward that you did on your very first date. or else you’ll just get bogged down in how hard it is to get serious about someone, and you’ll completely forget why you’re reaching for that goal to begin with.
and finally, as a quick bonus, remember this. relationships, no matter how passionate or serious or perfect or rocky or loving or tumultuous – they only go two ways: you stay together or you break up. and if the latter should happen, petit hiboux is always ready with a contingency plan.
the extremely abbreviated yet practical Art of Charm and Break Ups
1. take their number out of your phone.
2. call your friends.
3. drink, complain, cry, make out with a stranger, repeat.
4. thank your friends.