i love the winter weather because i’ve got your love to keep me warm PLEASE RELOCATE ME IMMEDIATELY TO SAN DIEGO.
look, i haven’t posted about the cold snap here in new york for a couple of reasons.
1. it only makes me angrier to think up elaborate, creative ways to cyber-shake my fist at the elements.
2. people who live in places that are 60 degrees and above will leave comments telling me how warm it is where they are, and how sorry they am that i’m now ice-block-shaped, and I DON’T NEED YOUR GODDAMNED PITY.
but i’m posting about the weather now. i am. i can’t help it. the freezing tentacles of cold have seeped into my grey matter and taken over, forcing me to babble incoherently at the sky in fury. this is the longest and deepest cold snap new york has seen since before i was born. it’s been under or around 25 degrees since january sixth. i have not opened my closet door in weeks, opting instead to drag yet another sweater out of my trunk and pull on the same jeans and boots. these are some of the measures i have taken in the last few weeks:
1. putting two wool jackets on top of my quilt when i sleep.
2. briefly microwaving my pillowcase.
3. sitting in a hot bath for over two hours.
4. wearing sunglasses at night to protect my eyes from stinging wind.
5. accepting any and all offers to be bought drinks, simply to have something warm in my stomach.
the most annoying thing about the weather [besides imminent frostbite and never looking up while you walk] is getting dressed. i can’t shower in the mornings anymore, choosing to shower at night when the heat is still on full-blast in the apartment. this morning, i actually stretched my arms from my bed to my dresser, pulling out underwear, tights, and undershirt. i dressed myself under the covers and then got out of bed, pulling on jeans, two pairs of socks, a wool turtleneck sweater, knee-high boots, a knee-length puffer jacket, an eight-foot-long scarf, and a wool hat made by blind sheep-herders in the brasilian mountains.
i was still cold on my way to work.
but the number one, life-saving, last-shred-of-sanity thing i’ve done during the cold snap is:
BOUGHT MYSELF A TICKET TO BRASIL. IN MARCH. FOR A WEEK.
i hope this sends the message to god or donald trump, whoever’s in charge of the weather: “fuck this noise, i’m leaving.”