tom petty said it best
here’s the thing: i haven’t heard back from any of the six law schools i applied to. i sent all my applications in about a month before they were due, so this is an understandable delay. it’s not like it means i’m more likely to get rejected just because it’s taking longer to hear back.
but the waiting.
there are so many things i want to do, every day, that i struggle with the knowledge that i’m planning on laying three years of my life effectively into cement. law school means pursuing a scary, unknown and difficult dream i have. laying down plans for the future. but it also means forfeiting a lot of today. it means no crazy exciting travel for three years. less time with friends. much less money. less of that careless bohemian hither-tither wandering that makes my otherwise bougie life worth living. looked at carefully on the scales, both paths – the going and the not-going – have their merits and downsides.
and the waiting.
every day that i wait, i evaluate with more clarity how i’ll deal if i don’t get in … anywhere. don’t flatter me. it’s a possibility. and i may be a soaring romantic when it comes to some things, but in matters of les cartes d’avenir, i like to be realistic. so there stands the hairy ugly beast that is rejection. that is not getting in anywhere. and what will i do? how will i say to my loved-ones and cheerers-on, “yes, i was planning on going, and no, i’m not doing so.” my pride, drat my wounded pride!
oh, the waiting!
when i first started to seriously consider the rejection beast, i flippantly said to a friend, “well, if i don’t get in, then i’ll definitely write a novel.” i was mostly kidding. i’m sort of not anymore. lengthy inspiring discussions with stuart, as well as the myriad of recent encouragement that’s poured out of friends and readers alike, has made me take a harder look at a path i thought i’d decided against years ago. who knows. don’t count any chickens before their parents meet and mate. i may not write anything. i may switch jobs. i may travel. i may fall in love. i may start up windsurfing or wood carving. i may, very well, do anything i’d like to do.
but the point is, the waiting will be over, eventually. until then, there are only two things i DO know:
1. if i get in, then i have the choice of going to law school. which is what i want.
2. if i don’t, the world remains as it always has been: my oyster.
maybe the waiting isn’t the hardest part. maybe it’s really just the choosing.