do you want me to tell you something subversive? love is all it’s cracked up to be. that’s why people are so cynical about it. it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. and the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
-erica jong

jez left that quote on stuart’s site a few weeks ago and i haven’t been able to get it out of my head. it’s a rainy night here in queens, after a long day appeasing the Moving Karma Fairy by helping my darling friends on their apartment journeys. it’s raining in that beautiful way that puts you right to sleep, and the sort of lazy thunder that rumbles across the sky like zeus taking a walk. or, for that matter, having indigestion.
and yeah. i wish stuart was here. most moments – beautiful, frustrating, serendipitous or stressful – i wish he was here. and i swore, for years, that i’d never want to feel that way. unable to fully appreciate a moment because of longing for something, or someone, you don’t have. while my beloved city is a more beautiful place to me now, because its the spot i will stay firmly routed until my love arrives at the end of the string i am so faithfully holding – it’s also hard to see the city’s beauty because stuart isn’t here with me.
and then i think about that quote. i think about the word subversive. because, really, love is a tough concept for this Here Now Me world to wrap its mind around. love makes you do crazy things that don’t follow plans. it makes you worry less about your selfish materialistic independence and more about whether another person is happy. love – all love, not just the romantic kind – takes you out of yourself. it puts on the backburner so many of our self-absorbed greedy pursuits.
subversive. and yet we all do it. because the toughest things you do are usually the most rewarding. we love because it’s hard, because it’s unstable, because it’s fascinating. it’s like traveling to another country to find out who you are. and the worst thing you can do is walk away from a challenge. because you never know what you’ll find.
love really is all it’s cracked up to be. far out, man.

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