nine

For the past two days, Stuart and Dave and James have been meaning to shop for clothes and wallets.
For the past two days, I have offered suggestions of stores depending on the neighborhood they’re in.
For the past two days, they have ALL UTTERLY FAILED TO MAKE A SINGLE FUCKING PURCHASE.
For the past two days, I’ve rued the fact that I’m sitting in my office, CONSPICUOUSLY NOT CONSUMING while three hopelessly lovely but easily distractable men wander the city, apparently pre-programmed to be unable to shop without a woman (ME) dragging them around and pointing out stuff for them to spend money on.
For the past two days, in other words, I’ve been seething with shop fever while the three of them refuse to buy shiny new things. I mean, we actually just had the following conversation:
“Have you bought anything yet?”
“Erm, no! But we just had hot dogs at grey’s papaya!”
“But there’s a Gap RIGHT NEXT DOOR with ENORMOUS SALES going on!”
“Where, right next door?”
“Well, three blocks DOWN, whatever.”
“Three blocks down is not right next door.”
“IT IS IF YOU HAVE GAP RADAR.”
Someone’s going to come in here and revoke my Woman Card soon, I just know it.