Biscuit insisted that I try this middle-school-era ipod test, where you listen to the first 13 songs on random shuffle, as answers to the following questions.
1. What do you think of me, Random Music Player?
On your own, by Blur
huh?
2. Will I have a happy life?
Don’t go breaking my heart, Elton John
I’m going… to hang out with a very well dressed gay man, singing choruses in unison forever? Wait, don’t I do that already?
3. What do my friends really think of me?
maybe you’ve been brainwashed too, New Radicals
Well, thank god we’re all brainwashed TOGETHER, then.
4. What does my S.O. think of me?
Darling Nikki, Foo Fighters
Oh LORD this one makes me sort of happy.
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Wouldn’t it be nice, The Beach Boys
So, not so much lust as want to set up house with me.
6. How can I make myself happy?
Anna begins, Counting Crows
Wait, to be happy I have to be uncomprehendingly depressing and eventually get dumped or something? Interestingly pointless.
7. What should I do with my life?
winter song, the Ceasars
I say, huh? again.
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Walking on the sun, Smashbox
Oh, I get it, because wonderful artists keep getting underplayed while frat boy morons like these guys get airplay? Please do not point out the obvious fact that this is MY iPod.
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
i don’t know what it is, Rufus Wainwright
I DO SO KNOW WHAT IT IS, RUFUS.
10. Can you give me some advice?
16 military wives, the Decemberists
I’ve got nothing to say to this.
11. What do you think happiness is?
(nice dream), Radiohead
Wow, you have a really depressing life view, has anyone ever told you that, iPod?
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Songs of love, Divine Comedy
So what you’re saying is, hang out with moony pre-pubescent boys?
13. Will I die happy?
Nothing ever, Wilco
Okay, this makes me happy, since the chorus is basically “I believe a kiss is all we need, nothing’s ever going to stand in my way.” I’ll give you this one, iPod.
I’m really glad there was no #14, since the fourteenth song was Roses, by Outkast.
* I know this title is awful. Count yourself lucky I didn’t call it “every meme, every youyou”.