I’ve been watching a fair amount of the Olympics (by fair amount, I mean, almost every night. Look, it’s WINTER, and we’re being frugal with the pennies, okay?) and I am getting increasingly irritated with something. Well, something other than Sasha Cohen to whom I simply cannot warm, talented skater though she may be, because she constantly looks constipated and doesn’t seem like she ever has any fun ever, not like that spunky Emily Hughes, how cute is she? And no, I’m not talking about the incredibly boring sport that is speed skating – look, they just look like synchronized swimmers wrapped in colorful condoms, okay? And GOD NO, it’s not even Bode Miller, who should just change his name to “Biggest Loud Mouth Self Promoting Disappointment In The History of Loud and Promoting”.
No, here’s what’s irritating me. Where are the medal ceremonies? Where are the national anthems? Where’s the ONE athlete from that ONE country who stands on the podium as the first guy/girl from that country to EVER WIN A MEDAL, and where’s that other girl who broke both her legs and cranium and still recovered enough to stand there for her bronze and no it’s not gold but DAMNIT man, she broke her legs? Where is she? Where is all my heart-clutching, tear-inducing, oh-he-looks-cute-in-that-skisuit MEDAL CEREMONY CRYING FODDER?
I watch every night until I fall asleep at 11PM from boredom and overexposure to Chevrolet ads (YOU ARE NOT AMERICA’S BRAND) and the Peacock Network, the Network that has banished Law & Order from my life for two weeks but okay, Katie Couric is really cute in Italy, NBC, why have you foresaken me? How am I supposed to enjoy the Olympics if I cannot CRY AT THE MEDALLING?
Can anyone explain this? When are the medal ceremonies shown? Why does Bob Costas have such earnest and yet far-apart eyes? Can I kill Dick Button now please? WHAT was that Bulgarian ice-dancing team wearing? How much do you LOVE Slutskaya and her rebellious pantsuit? But most importantly, WHERE ARE THE MEDALS? Seriously, my tear-ducts are going to dry up and leave town if I don’t get some good gratuitiously patriotic sob-fest going on here, and STAT.
bob costas, I blame you
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Slutskaya. Dude, she rocks. Such a pioneering rebel, with the pants and all. Love her! It’s about time she wins the gold already. What is she, like 45?
that’s strange, i haven’t watched the olympics as much as you have and i’ve seen like six medal ceremonies.
I watch hours upon hours upon hours of Olympic coverage, which I do that every time the Olympics are on. I have only seen ONE medal ceremony thus far and it was for some speed-skating relay and the Italians won and it was their first speed skating medal EVER and it was GOLD and they were in ITALY, so that was pretty tear-inducing, but damn. I agree. A little more of THAT, please. Especially since that Italian speed-skating team was so easy on the eyes.
kate, what time are you watching all this on NBC? They don’t do the medalling right after the event’s conclusion, I think is the problem with me. That, and Bob Costas hates me.
We have the medals in Canada. We don’t get nearly as many as you but when we do there are tears and I think our athletes have bigger teeth.
I love Slutskaya’s pantsuit as much as I love her name.
1. Bob Costas: die, troll, die!
2. Dick Button: die painfully!
3. Did you see the human interest piece on Vonetta Flowers? Totally tear-inducing, with the twins and the surprise and the oh, he’s deaf but a doctor in Italy hooked him up and now he can hear! MIRACLE!
4. Did you see the human interest piece (more like a feature-length film) about the Italian-Norwegian crosscountry rivalry? With the dead brother? Sad! And his son? Hope! It lives!
5. Pant. Suit.
I love to say Slutskaya’s name like, really exaggeratedly NOT saying “slut”, like, SLOOOOOTSKAYA, the way i geekily take extra care in pronouncing the president of Russia’s name PYU-TIHN as opposed to yelling PUTAIN! like I want to. But you know I want to.
(And if I get haters leaving comments about how “he’s the prime MINISTER” or “he’s the EMPEROR” or “he’s the LEAD FANCY-FACE” or whatever power-name they’ve given the guy that leads Russia around, I will pants you all in front of your friends, you pedants, because while I can’t remember off the top of my head what power denomination the Leader of Russia is given even THOUGH I can say “we want the finest wines in humanity and we want them HERE and we want them NOW” in SWAHILI if I needed to, which I wouldn’t because the Maasai aren’t really known for their wines. Whevs. They do a GREAT blood straight from the spouting jugular of freshly-dead cattle.)
Whoa, upon closer inspection of my previous comment, WAY too much caffeine for me today. Will go temper with wine, immediately.
no guff! i was telling conrad the other day i was watching a medal ceremony. some dude won the gold for america in the combined alpine (the one loud-mouth bode was a supposed lock to win). the guy who one was an underdog and the youngest member of the team. so the flag is raising, the anthem playing and they show a close-up of the guy. 1. i was a little annoyed he didn’t have his hand over his heart and 2. he wasn’t singing. but, i did notice his eyes start to well up with tears. i was like, “come on, squeeze out a joyful tear for the good ole u.s. of a. his eyse were full of moisture, a hard blink could have produced a tear. but, NOOOOOOO, somehow the cyborg managed to get through the whold thing without losing a drop. shit, i was crying. i love those things. medal cermeonies, that is. not cyborg athletes.
and dick button does suck. bob costas hasn’t really done much for me. give me jim lampley anyday. you really need a boxing guy doing these things. they’re all about hype.
I saw one medal event, and it was right after the pairs figure skating. The Russian chic finally showed some emotion. I thought my tv programming guide showed medal ceremonies every night at 12am?
I need musical montages, and I need them now.
I have to reply to Kristin’s comment:
I TOTALLY KNOW who you are talking about, with the big teeth! Her medal-ceremony was really touching, with the half-laughing, half-crying, totally joyous look on her face (her big-teeth face).
The day before she won the medal I commented on her big chompers and my husband will not let me live it down. “Look! She’s winning a gold medal, and all you could comment on was her BIG CHOMPERS!”
Yeah, Kate and I have sat through tons of medal ceremonies. They’re not very long, though. They probably all happened while you mosied to the kitchen to get a glass of something.
Anyway, I don’t understand what everyone’s problem with Dick Button is. He may be a big sap and a little opinionated, but anyone’s better than the woman he’s on with, whose name I can’t figure out, but whose legacy in our time is the coining of the most awful phrase ever, “twizzle section.”
what a good question!!! WHERE are they?
and i don’t like sasha cohen either. she seems like that bitchy girl in high school who has grossly overestimated her own hotness.
Damn, I thought twizzle section was a technical term and have been making fun of it as such for weeks. Now I’ll just have to make fun of her, and she is, I agree, is more annoying than the Button.
If the medaling comes on at 12, that explains why I’ve missed it. I’M STAYING UP TONIGHT, THOUGH.
Hear that, Stuart?
Get Canadian channels!
The CBC has been showing the medal ceremonies NON STOP. Not that I’m complaining or anything, cause heck, I’ve been watching them NON STOP. And yes, our atheletes have big, nashy teeth.
I havn’t watched as much of the Olimpics as you, but I did flick it on for the snowboarding races which was pritty exciting. Loved reading this entry.
I haven’t watched as much of the Olympics as you, but I did flick it on for the snow-boarding races which was exciting. Loved reading this entry.
… Just for the record, I’m really not that BAD a speller!!”">?>##$&*%!! Honestly, I can spell SOME of the time, clearly not today & not when I type too fast. Please forgive my blunderings…. I’m SO embarrassed! Can I blame it on my cat crossing over the keyboard?
ack!! I hope you didn’t stay up late last night, I checked and it said the Tonight Show was on. Maybe it had been a Saturday or Sunday when the medals were on at 12. No tv guide or anything?
i was so sad that slutskaya went back to a typical short-short-short skirt for the long program, and even sadder that she didn’t win the silver. the judging felt very biased on that one, and i now harbor a thoroughly unwelcome and deep-in-my-bones LOATHING for both dick button and that (bitch-ass) female announcer whose name i should look up if i didn’t hate her too much to expend that energy.
what was my point? oh yeah. torino medal ceremonies : lacking.
women’s figure-skating announcers : horrendous.
pantsuit : rocked my face off.