Dear Guy Who Talked Really Loudly Next To Us at LIC Bar Today:
Hi! You’re a twunt. It has to be said, I didn’t have the set of brass ones to tell you that at the time. There we were, enjoying our Tetley’s Bitter and Sauvingnon Blanc in the sunny fresh air of an absolute gem of a bar find and you started talking! A lot!
First you talked about how you and your friends would drive donuts in parking lots and other friends would shoot at your car! And then you talked about how you like to buy guns illegally from some vagrant man in your neighborhood who has a basement full of them! And how you buy a couple a year, and once you almost forgot to take one out of your bags before getting on a plane to Shanghai! And you also talked about a pimp you met at a McDonald’s!
I got the feeling like your two beering companions were perhaps politely listening to you. Maybe they were starving film producers and you had deep stupid pockets. Maybe they were looking for guns. For whatever reason, you completely dominated the conversation! I bet you loved that, because you have a small penis.
Oh, Man at the Bar, I really didn’t hate you that much at this point. I thought you were annoying, sure! Even your mother thinks you’re annoying! But no, rest assured, I didn’t hate you until you started TRASH TALKING THE ENTIRE NATION OF GREECE. Some key excerpts:
“That fucking country, man, I’ve been there twice and I’ve got no time for it. Full of fucking Greeks.”
“They all drive like assholes because they’re frustrated because their country hasn’t accomplished anything remotely useful for 2,500 years.”
“The Acropolis is a bunch of crap, man, I didn’t even go in.”
Oh! My! God! Stuart said he’d never seen my body do what it did, sitting there next to your twunty diatribe about my people. Wait – I’m sorry – your twunty INACCURATE DIATRIBE. Let’s visit this together, shall we, Twunthead? The Acropolis! Is! A! Hill! You can’t GO IN A HILL! The Parthenon, on the other hand, is less than 2,500 years old (roughly, it’s actually 2,444 years old from relative completion!) and is on TOP of the Acropolis, which is, again, a HILL! Way to not go in, though, bastard moronhead!
Also! Greece hasn’t contributed anything useful to society since 2,500 years ago! You wouldn’t be forgetting Alexander the Great, would you? Or The Greek Empire? Or Socrates? Or even Plato? Or Eurypides? Or hey! Let’s skip forward a little, shall we? Jeffrey Eugenides? NIKOS KAZANZAKIS? Hey, what about this guy? What a useless frustrated GREEK.
And HECK, Twuntface, I’m not even arguing about, say, ANCIENT GREECE AND ITS ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Your Royal Twuntness limited us to two thousand five hundred years of Greek Uselessness!
Stuart looked at me, throughout the indeterminably long ten minutes where you ranted about Greece and I sat there, and said, “now would be a really good time for you to discover your super powers.” It would have been, too. I WOULD HAVE IMMOLATED YOU AND THEN DANCED VICTORIOUSLY TO NEVER ON SUNDAY OVER YOUR ASHES.
Yassou, fucknut!
Love,
Krissa
*never did a man wear MORE APPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR.