Criticism is a funny thing. There are a lot of people you read about in cautionary tales, people that don’t ever do anything they want to do in life for fear of judgment and social exclusion. I am not one of those people. You have to believe me or this whole little exercise won’t work.
I am not beholden to the opinions of others when I really want something. Case in point: Stuart. We met. We wanted to get married. I honestly didn’t care how completely insane that seemed. Sure, I cared what kind of wedding party we threw, and whether our parents would support us, but as to the rest of the world? Meh. As to the rest of our friends? If they knew me well enough, they’d understand right away that I was neither in jest or in sane, or they’d voice their concerns but trust me to take care of myself. If they didn’t know me well enough to know what I look like when I’ve made up my mind, they could hold their tongues like grownups.
The key element, though, was my own unshakeable belief in the rightness of what I was doing, leave-of-her-senses though it may have looked to everyone else. That’s what I mean when I say, I don’t care what other people think.
This, though, is different. I’m facing – and have made – a pretty bold move. I’m leaving comfortably numbing daily employment for the much less stable world of freelancing and writing, and I’ll have to supplement that income with part-time work. The question naturally has become, what am I willing to do for part-time work?
Here are two answers.
1. Oh, I’m looking to do something interesting, something involving writing and editing – maybe proofreading, copy editing, copy writing.
2. I’m willing to do whatever will pay me a base minimum for about twenty to twenty-five hours a week and most importantly, won’t either put me on a career path I don’t want to be on, OR distract me from my writing by being mentally exhausting.
Three guesses for which one is harder to say out loud.
And I’ve been struggling with this, struggling with being able to say that yes, I’m considering bookselling, and yes, I’m considering walking dogs, what? And on top of that struggle, I’ve been struggling with why this is so hard for me to admit, that I’d take non-career-focused work right now just so that it didn’t become yet another distraction from my writing.
If I think I’m so immune to the peanut gallery’s snarky opinions (or, worse, what’s said when I leave the room), then why is it hard to say out loud?
I realized why. Because I’m not really sure, either. Any doubts and judgements I see as possible reactions are only manifestations of my own personal doubts and judgements. And why not? Everyone I know has a good job. All my friends – whether they’re professionally happy or not – have steady, gainful employment. And who do I think I am, deciding not to “bother” having a full-time job and traipse around eating bon-bons and writing on the web instead? Do I think I’m better than them? Do they think I think I’m better than them? Do they secretly just think I’m lazy and want to stay home and pop out babies? Do I THINK I might be secretly lazy?
See where I’m going with this? Am I being mean and malicious about my own choices because I think that’s what others will say? Or is it the other way around? Don’t I know I won’t sit around eating bon-bons? Or do I?
Criticism’s a funny thing – someone else’s or my own. Confidence means I honestly don’t care if anyone thinks I’ve lost all but a handful of my marbles. Doubt and worry make me seem like a paranoid neurotic, counting on a million other hands like Tevye. I obviously need a couple double-strength jolts of that confidence, and I’m the only person that can whip those up.
Only then will I stop listening to the nasties – either within my head or without.
Did you read _Truth & Beauty_ by Ann Patchett? Although it wasn’t necessarily about her writing/her journey of becoming a published author, one item that struck me was that she worked as a waitress in one of those chain restaurants with all the “ambiance”, and her favorite duty was to go around dusting the marble eyeballs of the stuffed dead things because it freed up her mind to think about her characters and plot expansions. She wrote the entire book in her head while polished dead thingy’s eyes…and I find that so f*ing inspiring.
just dropped by from a girlandaboy and wow. I could have written this post. I dream everyday about quitting my boring editing job, finding part time work that’s rewarding (like at an animal shelter), and painting/designing the rest of the time. I’ll keep checking back here to see how you do… good luck!
I relate to what you wrote on so many levels. I never thought I cared that much what other people thought until I decided to quit my job and not work after having a baby (due in 3 months). All of the sudden I’m convinced everyone is whispering about how lazy I am behind my back and thinking I’ll never do any type of successful work again (let’s not even get into the discussion of how babies are lots of work and being a mom is a big job, because I know it, but there is not a whole lot of support in career-driven LA for that). As you so eloquently pointed out, our own insecurities and doubts so frequently hold us back. I know you’re doing something very different from me, but your post brought me comfort as I sit here with my swollen fingers preparing my own future plans. thank you, and best of luck. i have a feeling you’re going to find success.
Maybe you should be a professional introspector?
Here’s the good news: Pretty much anything you do will be relevant to your career path because if you’re going to be a writer (and you are! you are!), everything is fodder for your creativity, even if you stick to nonfiction. Being out in the world in whatever way you end up doing it will supplement your knowledge and understanding of Stuff, and that will improve the way you think. And, come on, you live in New York fucking City. How could you possibly go wrong?
Wow! Mollysusie, Leandra, Sarah and Leah are REAL people. You know, in the way of “get real”? – the ones that have meaning in their lives. Let me borough a line from bush-boy: “Stay the course”. In your case, it will translate into success and memorable experience!
i dream about working at a bakery or a library if i quit engineering. or teaching swim lessons. one thing you should seriously look in to is babysitting. good money, and if the kids are older, its just afterschool which would leave you all day to write. i babysat my way through (spending money at least) college.
have you been in the workforce during a recession? during the dotcom bust in 2002 i had tons of previously gainfully employed friends that were out of work, and desparate to find any job they could (including walking dogs). consider yourself incredibly lucky to be in a situation were, “All my friends – whether they’re professionally happy or not – have steady, gainful employment”. Either we are in good times now or you have few friends. The point I’m trying to make, is one my father instilled in me, there is no shame in making an honest living, any honest living.
Somebody has to dig the graves.
Longtime reader, though I’m not sure I’ve commented before… I similarly left full-time employment to pursue full-time freelance/writing… one of the places I seriously considered employment (though it never came to be) was the Container Store — they’re flexible, folks i know who work there love it, and you get a fantastic discount for further organization projects (oh ya, and you can get benefits, though I imagine you get yours through Stuart)… it’s also an easy ride from Astoria
(as a fellow Queens resident (I live in Jackson Heights) convenience is always nice)
good luck,
heather
You just channeled my grey matter, in a much more persuasive manner than I could ever convey.
In unrelated news (but sort of relevant) I had a dream you were on Oprah last night.
You can do it! You’re an amazing writer and I’ve been reading you for a long time. Yes, it is scary but I would read anything you wrote. Please showcase more of your talent for all of your fans. It’s tough, but anyone can work hard for anything they want.
PS: go for the book slinging…
Karissa,
Go to this link:http://civpro.blogs.com/civil_procedure/2005/12/all_request_day_4.html
This blog is written by a great girl who wants to be a writer as well. She quit her job as a lawyer, now teaches sailing and keeps up this great blog. The posting a linked above is particularly relevant to your issue! Hooray!
Certainly do not listen to the nasties! If you carry on writing like this entry your writing career is a dead cert. I’m finally de-lurking to say congratulations on making such a life-changing decision and GOOD LUCK with your new career! You’ve made the right choice.
Another long-time viewer here…
I did take that leap. It was very scary. I am just ove the one year mark as a professional photographer, and I supplement with dog walking, being a chef and a wine tasting facilitator. I can pick my hours, I get paid to walk in the woods two or three days a week, and I am doing what I love.
It is a difficult step into the Void. But well worth it!
Gah! More coffee….not sprakmonkey, jeeeeze!
Sparkmonkey. Like a monkey, chasing sparks. Or, alternatively, a wind up monkey who bangs the cymbols.
_Truth and Beauty_ is one of my favorite books!
I identify with all of this. In my “day job” I am an quasi-executive, and experience a lot of lonely misery. Last year, I was feeling particularly depressed by the work, and I decided to take a job at Crate & Barrel, my all-time favorite store. I lived in fear that one of my high school classmates would drop by and wave a colossal diamond ring in my face, and ask me to help with her wedding registry, and then talk about her Ph.D. and general brilliance and wonder why I was hawking placemats and I’d fill with shame. It never happened. It was fun and social and everyone loved my stories and I had tons of blog fodder. Take the road less traveled! There are so many interesting jobs that don’t involve editing and writing! Eventually you’ll have stodgy responsibilities … take advantage of this relative freedom. (And also, you can always quit whatever you’re doing if you don’t like it).
“Do they secretly think I’m just lazy and want to stay home and pop out babies?”
There is nothing lazy about working from home. In fact, it takes a lot more drive, determination and motivation to force yourself to work at home than it does to work in an office with someone looking over your shoulder all day. Kudos to your new endeavors.
But, I must say, there is also nothing lazy about staying at home and “just popping out babies.” That’s harder work than any high pressure office job I’ve ever had. I know where you are coming from, but as a new mother, that comment hit a nerve.
It’s an interesting parallel, over the last few decades, women who left the workplace and choose to stay home with their kids were veiwed as lazy bon bon- eaters, with no professional aspirations, no identity of their own, wholly wrapped up in the lives of their children, housewife cliches. Anybody remember the Sex in the City baby shower episode? It basically showed these formerly high-powered successful women reduced to babbling suburban morons after they had kids, which is so full of shit.
Now, along with the scorned stay-at-home moms, anyone who leaves the traditional workplace gets crosseyed and puzzled looks. When you step out of conformity, there will always be jealous naysayers. Screw them Krissa. Do what you are meant to do wherever you want to do it.
Love your blog, read it all the time…
I recently took the plunge into freelance work. It is such a scary thing quitting a stable, comfortable, yet unsatisfying job. So, I’ll pass along something that someone said to me when I was facing this decision…
Leap, and your net will appear.
I worked at a hot dog cart during the dotcom poo-time and it’s the single thing on my resume that has gotten me the most work.
I have fabulous stories, a much kinder view of service workers, and employers are satisfied that I will do what it takes to get a paycheck.
You are amazing. And damn cute.
Knowing what you want from life is half the battle one. The other half is fighting to make your dream come true. When I first started the magazine (www.girlenroute.com), all I knew was that I had to do it for myself. And I did!
It takes courage to leave security for a dream. But at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy doing what I do all day and night, than spending an 8-hour shift doing somethign I don’t as much. Keep the chin up, we creative people need to do it!
PS: I had contacted you earlier asking if you’d be willing to contribute to the magazine and haven’t heard from yu. Hope you will. You’re an amazing writer and I admire your work a lot!
Consider taking a job in which you’ll never meet another aspiring writer, since it’ll give you more grist for the mill than the usual suspects. One of my favorite poets worked summers as a plumber, and it gave him a great feel for writing about, well, ordinary life.
The book business is good, too, of course, since that’s the business you’re trying to break into, and it’s worth seeing how it’s done.
But I couldn’t imagine taking a copyediting job while trying to do my own writing. That’s way too much time with someone else’s words in my head!
I’ve been wrestling with this very issue recently. I have been taking freelancing jobs that are so draining I am not getting any of my own writing done, and I realized that I have been trying to separate my professional life from my creative life. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to really make a go of it as a writer or other creative type without consistent full-time work (the kind that’s career-focused, that everyone else seems to have and want you to have) is to make your creative life your professional life. I have to believe that eventually by doing what I love, the monetary success will follow. I hope the same for you!
Krissa,
what about technical theatre? i mean, its the best freelance gig in the world. for example, if you worked 20 hours for B&N at starting wage, you’d make the same as if you worked 7 hours doing off broadway. if you want names of stage managers, prop mistresses or wardrob mistresses, gimma a call or track me down through E. plus you can choose (and i really mean chose) how many days a week to work!! just a thought…
and congrats, your doing what we always knew you would.
I know exactly how you feel. I hate my job and really just want to go work in a bookstore. . .
I quit being a lawyer in Geneva, Switzerland to move to nyc and act… Less lofty than writing, I know, but i definitely understand what you’re going through. I’ve been serving food and coffee to clients in a market research facility for a year… There is no such thing as an appropriate carreer. If dog-walking contributes to your being able to pursue writing, it’s a wise and necessary carreer move. And while you feel everyone is whispering that you’re lazy as well as potentially crazy, and you’re contemplating how nice it would be to have a steady stable income, they are for the most part thinking how much they wish they’d have the cojones to do the same, finally get out there and do what they like. The cages we put ourselves in… But i’m certain you know all this.
Doubt, especially self-doubt, is inevitable. Hunker down and bend as the reed and it will pass. At least that’s what i tell myself.
I’ve been reading the progress of this phenomenon (Krissa’s Professional Blues) for a while now… and I think you’re making a brave but very wise choice. Many seek to write professionally, but few really have the chops – and you’re one of the few. But now that you’ve made the brave step, DO NOT LOOK BACK. Don’t berate yourself into some brainless slot making diacritcal notations in someone else’s writing. Find a place where people are interesting, where you can take a 10 minute break and see 15 stories waiting to be written. I worked at Arby’s; I worked at the SPCA. I’ve never felt more stultified than while I worked as a lawyer. If you find yourself in a quandry 6 months down the line about whether you made the right choice, review it then. For now, trust yourself to fly, and put yourself someplace that will give lift to your wings – not just add peanuts to your inflight snack!
This comment isn’t terribly relevent to your post, however…
I was looking at some flickr photos of you and Stuart, and you guys are both sooooo cute it makes my heart hurt!!!
I’m sure your children (if and when you have them) will be delectable little confections of adorable-ness.
Good luck! Whatever you do, you’ll be great. All work is virtuous, so find work that fosters the energy and inspiration you need to write. If I wanted to be a writer, I’d look for a day job in a world totally removed from writing–technical theater, perhaps, as fodder for a behind-the-scenes novel, or selling hot dogs, as fodder for everything, or walking dogs, as good exercise to give my mind space to roam, or waitressing, for the money. People respect bravery and your Number 2 answer is brave. No need to second-guess.