2008, so far, has been different from all my other years. Almost entirely because of what I’ve started thinking as the Krissa 2.0 work. You see, I’ve been doing – what’s the right word for it? – some Person Maintenance. Checking my engine, making repairs, learning things, unlearning old things. How much more mixed can this metaphor get? Much more.
I say Krissa 2.0 because I happen to like the original Krissa a lot and don’t want to make it sound like – or allow myself to think – I’m changing the fundemental… Krissaness of it all. But there are things that have needed work for a while. My eating habits, both their quality and quantity. My finances, period. My motivations, organizations, follow-through, and the way I relate to myself inside my head. All of these things could function better and you know, I just don’t see the point of doing things one by one! So, thus, 2008 is shaping up to be an interesting year. It’s like I have a big sign over my head that says “Pardon My Dust – Grownup Under Construction”.
So far, it’s been working. Mostly because I’m learning that small changes beget small changes and the effect, well, snowballs. I think the first small change was that the last cigarette I smoked was October 7th, two weeks to the date before we got nano. It’s odd to call that a small change, but I didn’t really allow myself to think of it as a Huge Deal until now, four months later. Now it’s a Huge Deal mostly because wow, I’m not cheating? Really?
Then there’s nano, who reminds me every day that he needs my (and Stuart’s) routine and responsibility in order to survive. I mean, here I am navel-gazing over thriving, but nano literally needs to eat. (And eat and eat and OH, are you eating that carrot? REALLY?) The dog brings me some much needed routine aside from just being an enormous bundle of cute. Multi-purpose dog!
The interesting side effects of all this have been manifold. The vainest of course is oh, look! I’m dropping a jean size and my rings are loose. Then there’s the house which has never been this tidy for this long. And the focus I’m bringing to writing is, uh, coming slowly! Pardon my dust! Novelist under Construction!
The most unexpected side effect is that suddenly I’m wondering how much of my personality is really already poured in concrete, how many of my likes really aren’t fixed with steel. I’ve tried squash soup and zucchinis and rare tuna and edamame and soon I’ll try sushi (really!) and aubergine and why not, broccoli. I’ve put greens in stews and enjoyed whole-wheat pizza and walked straighter and tried to talk with my hands a little less.
It’s interesting to know that I can change, and to watch myself do it – to know that just because I decided something once, doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind. It seems maybe sort of the most obvious thing in the world (Woman Looks Up, Notices Sky Blue!) but I’ve never sustained this many small changes all at once and found pleasure in them. Or maybe not since I started tying my own shoes and wiping my own butt around the same time.
I keep wondering – who am I going to be at 40? 50? Am I going to crave cauliflowers? And rock climb? At least I’ll know that back in 2008, I learned how to get up early and not eat the whole bag of cheese already.